Re-reading Brene Brown

Connection is why we're here."  And I'll add, without connection, there's not much reason to stick around.  

  I've tried to live with a minimal amount of connection in the "early"days.  Growing up in a very dysfunctional family, I learned I couldn't compete, and that was the only way to derive some self esteem.  I'm better than others in this or that regard.  Being the baby of seven, I can tell you, I wasn't better at anything.  Nothing.  Not sports.  Not performance of any type. Not music. Not art.  Not humor.  Not academics.  Not even talking. So I decided to not try to do anything very challenging.  What was the point?  Despite whatever words of encouragement, they were not enough to change my mind.  Not only was I not good enough, there was something wrong with me.  I have carried and struggled with that core belief all my life, but fortunately, it has little impact on me now, compared to the early years.

I'm thinking about looking at whatever milestones there were in my life, and seeing if there was a human connection that made it possible.  

In school, I could get "A's" if inspired and I felt the care and concern from the teacher.  If not, I wrote you off.  But I knew better than to get anything below a "C" in my family.  

Siblings?  Some had more time and space but for the most part, we were all on our own to survive emotionally on our own, with our friends, other than my mom.  She was a saint.  She too had her own demons, dealing with an alcoholic husband and protecting her kids as well as herself.

Fond memories of my oldest brother dominate. though others had their moments.  He lived in Cleveland for the most part, taking me for rides and out to lunch on his motorcycle, to swing on ropes at St. Ed's and later, tried to teach me about culture, etiquette and women.  Not always successful as you might guess. 

I was a wall flower as a child, shying away from most social and extra curricular activities unless I felt some confidence.  Those three areas were: golf, work (restaurants mostly), skating.  The skating, while fun, was touch and go, not really "belonging" but allowed to participate.  The first group that welcomed me was Young Life, A christian youth organization.  They took anyone in just about.  Initially, I had the security of a girlfriend to go to the meetings with, before feeling accepted enough to go on my own.   There, I felt connection.  THERE, I felt belonging.  And in that senior year, with the strong sense of belonging to that group, I started to blossom.  I also had a philosophy that gave me purpose, encouragement, intellectual stimulation, and opportunity for fun.

My first year of college, Cleveland State provided a program called First College, which had smaller classes, greater chance to get to know your professors.  I continued to learn to make friends there. Connection.  It was there that I made one friend in particular, who became something of a surrogate brother, named Sam.  He, without any ulterior motives, simply took a liking to me.  He was a regular source of encouragement and lots of wisdom. Connection.

It was also during those years that I got into peer counselling through something called RC. I started learning about what made me tick, why I felt the way I didn't, and how to develop enough courage to do what I should, and not follow my insecure, self destructive feelings.  It was in fact, a connection to someone that decided to care about me, a former English teacher named Beth Craig that introduced me to the gift of counselling. In fact, my motto of sorts was "Feelings don't matter.  Enjoy the feelings but act rationally." And when negative feelings seemed to be all that consumed me, I would remind myself that "They are only feelings."

Without going into much more detail, as an adult, it was the connections to people that cared, that accepted me with all of my foibles, and saw in me value and potential for wonderful things.  

Brene Brown's top ten list from "The Gifts of Imperfection" which I have NOT read, summarized below:

1. What other people think of you is none of your business 

2. You aren't perfect but you are just right.

3. Develop courageousness.

4. Be grateful, as there is enough to go around.

5. Go with the flow and get in touch with intuition, 

6. Be yourself and don't compare your insides to other's outside.

7. Play

8. Chill, relax, and let go.

9. Find your passion.

10.  “You’ve gotta dance like there’s nobody watching,  Love like you’ll never be hurt, Sing like there’s nobody listening, And live like it’s heaven on earth.”

The rest of the introduction emphasises that the connection we have only comes from taking risks, being vulnerable (but not foolish) in all areas of our lives.  This takes courage, and it is nice to have some moral support from loved ones but not necessary.  Belief in oneself is the beginning of the major transformations. 

So I ask you, what would be the type of pep talk your best friend would give you when you were down or being challenged by life. Some might liken it to a manifesto, or a mission statement, a daily prayer.  I hope it includes at least some of the following.

You are amazing.  Your creator didn't miss a thing, giving you everything you need, the obvious glowing gifts, and even a few challenges and opportunities, that some would perceive as faults or handicaps.  Society will be quick to tell you that you are not enough.  But enough for what.  Your purpose is not defined by the world, it is defined by you.  And you are more than enough to grow into the person that can achieve great things, to touch the lives of others in ways that only you can, and then, we will find the world a better place.  So don't question if you are good enough.  You are the best person for the job, the best combination of skills, insights, mental tools, everything.  That's not to say it will be easy.  Nothing worthwhile is ever easy.  But you can try. And it is always better to try, than to not try.  Otherwise, you will miss the lesson that is waiting for you.