Integrating truth and experience

I am trying to make sense out of what I’ve read, listened to and experienced.  My childhood was full of doubt, loneliness and pessimism.  My life now at the age of 61 is full of love, meaningful work, good friends and a bright future.  How did that happen?  And how can I assist others to do the same?

Martin Seligman wrote a book called Flourish.  It is not all inclusive but I do believe his description of the components of a happy life is a start.  They are 1. Positive Emotions. 2. Engagement. 3. Relationships. 4. Meaning and purpose and 5. Achievement.  

Unfortunately, he doesn’t tell us how to get there, but many others have provided outlines and specific practices.  Those include Brene Brown,  Don Miguel Ruiz who wrote The Four Agreements.  Also, Marshall Rosenberg wrote “Non-Violent Communication”.  Carol Dweck gives us Mindset. Jim Rohn is another excellent speaker, similar to Zig Ziglar, Steven Covey gave us The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, Peme Chodrin and if you want to get a little more esoteric, there is Ekhart Tolle.  Brian Tracy does one of the best jobs of creating the principles of achievement and success into how to lists, such as setting goals, changing your thinking, etc.  

But today, I’m thinking about Seligman’s Positive Emotions.  In my mind, this includes having fun but I think it is more.  It includes but not limited to:

• peace of mind
• freedom of fear
• freedom of guilt
• loving others
• feeling loved
• sense of belonging
• confidence
• well-being
• feeling secure and safe

Peace of mind: It seems to me that peace of mind, and I’m thinking big picture here, comes only after a deep search for oneself as to what is real, how the world works, and what to expect when we no longer are here. There is benefit to organized religion, as it gives us some guidelines to conduct ourselves especially when young,  much like school rules and traffic laws.  And who doesn’t break the rules? Real peace of mind doesn’t come though until one explores, and creates a belief system that they can buy into, a system that answers the gnawing questions like what is the meaning of life, why are we here, in this world, in these circumstances. Why is there suffering, where do we go when we die.  

Some will find going against their upbringing too scary.  It is giving up one’s identity.  I suffered depression when I decided to give up traditional Christianity in my early 20’s, for the second time.  I gave up on Catholicism at age 14.  For those that don’t question, I wonder if there isn’t a lifelong feeling of uncertainty and regret for not searching deeper and making one’s own decision.  I do know that for me, rejecting what I was taught at St. Clement’s Elementary School and searching for my own answers was scary but freeing as well.  I read books by Edgar Casey, Elizabeth Montgomery, Elwood Babbitt, Jane Roberts. In my searches, that also included the Bible.  I continue to explore other religious and spiritual teachings regardless of their source.  

Sometimes we don’t have all the answers.  But the answers are there to find but they won’t come knocking on your door.  They will however, answer their door if you knock on enough doors, long enough and hard enough.

When I didn’t know what to believe, when I was unhappy and lonely, for some reason, I told myself, I may not know the answers yet, and I may be lonely now, but if other people have figured out how to live gratifying meaningful lives, filled with loved ones, accepting challenges with courage, and defeat with grace, then there must be hope.  If they can figure it out, then I can figure out how to do this too. I may feel worthless and unlovable but I can read and learn, and as I learned, I changed my thoughts and beliefs, and then my behaviors, and then my habits, and created a life.  Eading a little bit about Neurolinguistic Programming (NLP) helped with this too.

As for the positive emotions, where is what works for me.

• Freedom of fear: if it is situational, then the answer is clear.  Run like hell or stay and fight but respond.  If it is emotional, like irrational phobias, then change your beliefs about yourself and the world.  Thus the importance of a good overarching philosophy or faith..  
• Freedom of guilt: you you made a mistake, clean it up, make amends.  If you think you are a mistake, then change your beliefs. I’ve discovered even recently that making amends to a former client for a misdeed over 20 years was incredibly freeing.  
• Don’t feel like you belong. See next.
• Don’t love others: gotta love yourself first.  See next.
• Feeling unloved: then change your beliefs. Just because you think you are unlovable doesn’t make it so.  Fall in love with yourself, and others will too.  Love others, and they’ll love you too.What you project will come back to you like loaves and fish. This is scary stuff and takes a huge amount of courage and vulnerability (Brene Brown stuff).
• Confidence: You can fake it til you make it but it is pretty tough to do emotionally.  I tried it. For years.  Constantly battling the fear of failure and fear of rejection, playing mind games while my guts were churning. It gets easier once I started convincing myself of my own self worth, giving myself permission to be imperfect, and in fact, to fail and fail often. Ever notice how some people just laugh at themselves when they mess up?  Others are humiliated and ashamed.  It’s a lot easier being the one that laughs at themselves.  Anyone who is trying something new or challenging is going to have setbacks.  But failing?  Quitting and giving up is where failure lives and breathes.  There is much to be said about resilience which is a habit and can be learned.

I will say there are a couple of phrases that I learned in my 20’s that I’ve used as a mantra to get me through the tough spots, persevere and meet challenges.  I was involved in a peer type counselling group called Re-Evaluation Counselling. It is still around but I haven’t explored it lately.  It developed theories through the experience of thousands of people counselling and as they healed, they created the theories.  And here is the radical thought.  Feelings don’t matter.  Now before you jump to defense, to me that means, our feelings are so convoluted, and oftentimes a result of negative messages received and buried while we are young, when we were an open book, and some, abused.  Those core beliefs are not necessarily true, but the feelings they produce may seem very true.  So when it came to making decisions, sometimes scary ones, I would attempt to gather all the information, listen to a deep intuition maybe, but ignore that emotions of fear and excitement.  Feelings of “love at first sight” having nothing to do with love, but just a bunch of beliefs, true or not, that get us excited.  the fear, or phobias, like ones most of us have about public speaking, are irrational.  We find that with a little practice and encouragement from self and others, most find it quite enjoyable.  As a result, I would occasionally take on a challenge, that in fact, frightened me because it seemed like the rational thing to do.  Once in a situation, like teaching in my early years, when I felt so out of my league, I would have to remind myself “I may feel totally overwhelmed, ill prepared for the task at hand, and may fall on my face, I am, in fact, the best person for the job.  And in almost all those circumstances, where I was hired as an employee, I could affirm that at least whoever hired me thought I was the best person for the job.  And in most circumstances, once I got my sea legs, I was a good choice for that job.

  There are how-to books and videos how to make friends (see Dale Carnegie), set goals, and getting along with difficult people.  You can learn about etiquette and social norms that make you more appealing, and others more tolerable.  You can take a class on improving your speech, or getting rid of bad habits.

To take on those tasks, and any other challenges we face that give us positive emotions requires a core belief in ourselves.  Call it self esteem, call it self-worth, call it what you want.  The day that I began to convince myself that I was a good person, a worthwhile person, born on this earth for a reason, for a purpose, things started to get better.  I decided quietly to myself that I am “god’s gift to the world” and who am I to deprive people of my company.  I forced myself to step out, be outgoing, learn some new social skills, (like contra dancing), explore some hobbies, join groups, try public speaking to my professional peers, as well as Toastmasters, talk to people that I might not otherwise, continued to listen to tapes about spiritual and practical matters, take on a few challenges even though I might fail, express my thoughts and risk rejection and ridicule,  and you know what?  Rarely were my fears realized.  In fact, people see taking risk and being vulnerable as being courageous.  Life as a result  is a whole lot more interesting and gratifying.