Mid-July and Summer Thoughts

More than half the summer break is over, and it is similar to getting older.  Both make one think more clearly about what one really wants to accomplish in life and this summer.  I have my long, long list of to-do items, most of which I will never start.

Naturally, this time of year, I think a lot about gardening.  We've expanded the garden beds here at Trout Lily.  The upper garden which is about a 16x 30 has many new raised beds, with some mulch in the walkways.  More mulch is needed.  We have harvested the garlic (over 260 bulbs),  broccoli, strawberries, some cabbage, some kale, some yellow squash, black raspberries, red raspberries and blueberries.  The red zinnias and other flowers look on with curiosity to see if we will get spinach, tomatoes, and eggplant.

The garden to the side, three or the four planned beds were completede have lettuce, beets, and collards growing.  One bed is dedicated to asparagus for the first year, and another partially to pollinator attracting flowers. The lower garden has some squash, peppers, basil, tomatoes, potatoes (now suffering from blight), corn, gourds, onions, and yes, more flowers.  Don't ask me what kind.
The pigs, Barbi and Que watch on enviously.  Oh, how they would like to get in there and do some damage.

If we plan to really make this food grow effectively, we need to get a handle on soil science.  Thankfully, Danielle's sister just published a book on the subject.  If we knew how to effectively test and amend the soil, maybe we can minimize the number of problems with blights and weak looking plants, and the pests.  It seems like the next logical step.

While we have made huge improvements and additions, there is always some new method or information that will make it fun and challenging. For example, we just got the spring fixed so in stead of leaking out, the water from the sistern now goes to a bathtub for the horse's fresh water but the over flow goes into a pipe, down to a hose and to the garden or water trough at the lower garden.  I want to change out the overflow to a higher diameter tubing for greater flow and pressure when we need it.

As for the school gardens, I am seriously considering changing what we grow.  It seems silly to grow things when no one is there to take care of it regularly, despite our best intentions.  I'm leaning more towards an early greens type garden, and then plant things that grow like crazy and are harvested in the fall, like gourds.
Concepts and Lessons in a summer neglected school garden.

School Gardens on my Mind

In some form or fashion, I have tried to integrate gardening into my teaching Career and Technology to my 7th and 8th graders at 6 of the 8 schools I have taught in the last 19 years.  For one thing, the kids love it.  Even though the gardens are small, the kids love the dirt, the worms, the food, and more. We do composting, water barrels for irrigation, vermiculture, seed saving, plant propigation, and more.   I know that it is important.  One student told me once, "My dad thinks it's really cool that we do gardening.  He says in the near future we will all need to be growing some of our own food."  For the sake of personal economy, health and the psychological benefits, it is a skill all kids should be exposed to.

The gardens I have now, thanks to LettuceLearn, Shannon Carrol, Debbie Bauer and doing pretty well. At Parkway, we moved four large beds to a place with better drainage and sun, so those are new. In two of the now smaller 8 beds, we have raspberries and asparagus.  Older established beds in the front of school are looking pretty good, and have a healthy stand of sunflowers to catch your eye.  The median strip is now part pollinator garden, flower garden and even has a few struggling milkweed in there.  There is room to expand the gardens out front if money and resources show up. There are basically 8 raised beds at Parkway.  A cool thin about Parkway is the greenhouse there called a "SunCatcher."  This is our ace in the hole for starting seeds early in the year.

I started raised bed gardens at Bethel almost 18 years ago.  Most have been replaced, and new ones added.  Debbie does a good job of over seeing the project in the summer, and food harvested is given to the needy. We have about 12 raised beds divided into three different areas of school.  She recently harvested garlic and more.

At Mabel, we have developed about 6 raised beds, compost piles.  this year we planted raspberries in one bed, asparagus in another.  Pace Cooper, our award winning science teacher and his kids take care of the beds inside the fenced in playground area. We recently harvested 43 beautiful garlic bulbs.

I'm beginning to clarify my thoughts on school gardens.  We have the problem of two months or more with limited oversight in some locations, and secondly, there are no kids there to help or benefit.

So I'll put this out there and see what suggestions you can offer.
Goals: Teach kids about:

1. Starting plants from seeds, and even transplanting.
2. Types of plants, e.g., annuals, perrenials, hybrids, GMO's and heirloom, and what can be saved for next year. 
3. Planting from seeds, transplants, bulbs, cuttings, tubers and more.
4. Building a garden with soil, amendments, and lumber.
5. Harvesting produce that is useful.
6. Entrepreneurship
7. Keeping our world, and pollinators healthy.

To do that, and minimize waste and maximize student engagement, I want to start planting things that don't need much care in the summer.  

Here is my list:  

• Gourds (to be dried, made into bird houses and sold) Great art project too, as well as teaching the concepts of drilling and painting. Maybe pumnpkins.  
• Garlic (bulbs planted in the fall, to be sold as a fund raiser
• Perrenials like berries, asparagus and fruit trees, and grapes.
• Lettuce and greens to be planted and harvested when kids are in school
• Flowers.  Flowers are cool. Especially sunflowers. 

I think we can teach all the concepts with those few managable plants. 

Re-reading Brene Brown

Connection is why we're here."  And I'll add, without connection, there's not much reason to stick around.  

  I've tried to live with a minimal amount of connection in the "early"days.  Growing up in a very dysfunctional family, I learned I couldn't compete, and that was the only way to derive some self esteem.  I'm better than others in this or that regard.  Being the baby of seven, I can tell you, I wasn't better at anything.  Nothing.  Not sports.  Not performance of any type. Not music. Not art.  Not humor.  Not academics.  Not even talking. So I decided to not try to do anything very challenging.  What was the point?  Despite whatever words of encouragement, they were not enough to change my mind.  Not only was I not good enough, there was something wrong with me.  I have carried and struggled with that core belief all my life, but fortunately, it has little impact on me now, compared to the early years.

I'm thinking about looking at whatever milestones there were in my life, and seeing if there was a human connection that made it possible.  

In school, I could get "A's" if inspired and I felt the care and concern from the teacher.  If not, I wrote you off.  But I knew better than to get anything below a "C" in my family.  

Siblings?  Some had more time and space but for the most part, we were all on our own to survive emotionally on our own, with our friends, other than my mom.  She was a saint.  She too had her own demons, dealing with an alcoholic husband and protecting her kids as well as herself.

Fond memories of my oldest brother dominate. though others had their moments.  He lived in Cleveland for the most part, taking me for rides and out to lunch on his motorcycle, to swing on ropes at St. Ed's and later, tried to teach me about culture, etiquette and women.  Not always successful as you might guess. 

I was a wall flower as a child, shying away from most social and extra curricular activities unless I felt some confidence.  Those three areas were: golf, work (restaurants mostly), skating.  The skating, while fun, was touch and go, not really "belonging" but allowed to participate.  The first group that welcomed me was Young Life, A christian youth organization.  They took anyone in just about.  Initially, I had the security of a girlfriend to go to the meetings with, before feeling accepted enough to go on my own.   There, I felt connection.  THERE, I felt belonging.  And in that senior year, with the strong sense of belonging to that group, I started to blossom.  I also had a philosophy that gave me purpose, encouragement, intellectual stimulation, and opportunity for fun.

My first year of college, Cleveland State provided a program called First College, which had smaller classes, greater chance to get to know your professors.  I continued to learn to make friends there. Connection.  It was there that I made one friend in particular, who became something of a surrogate brother, named Sam.  He, without any ulterior motives, simply took a liking to me.  He was a regular source of encouragement and lots of wisdom. Connection.

It was also during those years that I got into peer counselling through something called RC. I started learning about what made me tick, why I felt the way I didn't, and how to develop enough courage to do what I should, and not follow my insecure, self destructive feelings.  It was in fact, a connection to someone that decided to care about me, a former English teacher named Beth Craig that introduced me to the gift of counselling. In fact, my motto of sorts was "Feelings don't matter.  Enjoy the feelings but act rationally." And when negative feelings seemed to be all that consumed me, I would remind myself that "They are only feelings."

Without going into much more detail, as an adult, it was the connections to people that cared, that accepted me with all of my foibles, and saw in me value and potential for wonderful things.  

Brene Brown's top ten list from "The Gifts of Imperfection" which I have NOT read, summarized below:

1. What other people think of you is none of your business 

2. You aren't perfect but you are just right.

3. Develop courageousness.

4. Be grateful, as there is enough to go around.

5. Go with the flow and get in touch with intuition, 

6. Be yourself and don't compare your insides to other's outside.

7. Play

8. Chill, relax, and let go.

9. Find your passion.

10.  “You’ve gotta dance like there’s nobody watching,  Love like you’ll never be hurt, Sing like there’s nobody listening, And live like it’s heaven on earth.”

The rest of the introduction emphasises that the connection we have only comes from taking risks, being vulnerable (but not foolish) in all areas of our lives.  This takes courage, and it is nice to have some moral support from loved ones but not necessary.  Belief in oneself is the beginning of the major transformations. 

So I ask you, what would be the type of pep talk your best friend would give you when you were down or being challenged by life. Some might liken it to a manifesto, or a mission statement, a daily prayer.  I hope it includes at least some of the following.

You are amazing.  Your creator didn't miss a thing, giving you everything you need, the obvious glowing gifts, and even a few challenges and opportunities, that some would perceive as faults or handicaps.  Society will be quick to tell you that you are not enough.  But enough for what.  Your purpose is not defined by the world, it is defined by you.  And you are more than enough to grow into the person that can achieve great things, to touch the lives of others in ways that only you can, and then, we will find the world a better place.  So don't question if you are good enough.  You are the best person for the job, the best combination of skills, insights, mental tools, everything.  That's not to say it will be easy.  Nothing worthwhile is ever easy.  But you can try. And it is always better to try, than to not try.  Otherwise, you will miss the lesson that is waiting for you.  

First years of teaching

First years of teaching

Posted on December 9, 2015

A friend of mine, who I’ll refer to as “K” posted on her facebook how she anticipated having her ass handed to her today.  I’m not sure if she means this is an evaluation, or she said or did something that is frowned upon by higher ups or what.  I hope to find out later.  Maybe my reflection on teacher evaluations and how I survived the first few years might encourage her.

I know, let me tell you, I know very well the anticipation, no the FEAR of evaluations.  I was convinced the first several eyars that I was not good enough.  I didn’t know enough.  Didn’t have the skills.  Couldn’t control the classroom.  Was out of my leagure.  Convinced my four year degree was a waste of time and money.

In reality, I didn’t have the skills YET.  I didn’t have control of my classroom YET. I was a pretty lousy teacher.  I lost my temper regularly.  I wanted them to learn stuff.   The truth was though, and I had to remeind myself daily, if not minute by minute that despite my failings and imperfections, my fear, my near panic attacks, I WAS GOOD ENOUGH.  In fact, they hired me.  Despite my incompetence, the available experts considered me the best person for the job. I AM THE BEST PERSON FOR THE JOB. At least until told otherwise.

As for evaluations, or having an administrator hand me my ass on a platter, it has happened.  Oh boy, it has happened.  I’ve learned this though.  In most cases, even though I expencted a reprimand, the admin’s goal was to simply help me be better.  Even when I knowlingly took the risk of violating a minor policy…well, minor to me, and I got busted, it was for my own good.

A good administrator has the goal of making you the best eacher possible.  That comes in the form of correcting us when we go down a path that is hazardous.  As long as I keep that in mind, I can look forward to the prospect of becoming a better teacher with their input.

Are there administrative types and I’ll add mentors that are harsh, unsympathetic, insulting, humiliating, and shaming.  Heck yeah.  And they are in the wrong job.  They have not evolved.  Anyone who thinks they can influence other sto change through shame and humiliation is clueless.  they themselves are probably job scared themselves, or have such a fledgling ego, they need to make others feel inferior through intimidation and verbal beat downs.  Just smile and say thanks for your input.

On the rare occasions when I felt like someone was really riding roughshod over me, in my mind I’m thinking “This is more about them than it is about me.”  “I’m the best person for the job.” “This too shall pass.”  “Thank God there is Karma.” “This person hasn’t been supported they way they should have, or they wouldn’t be acting like this.” Just smile and say thanks for the input.

After 25 years of teaching, I can now say I have absolutely no fear over an administrator walking in unexpectedly or for a planned evaluation.  I tell myself, they are here not to insult me, but to help me, to build me up, to make me a better teacher.  And if they find something not to their liking, I’ll try to improve  if I agree with them, and if it fits into my schedule.  There is only so much time in a day you know.  And there is more to life than one’s career.

Keeping sane in the early years of teaching.

Keeping sane in the early years of teaching.

Posted on December 12, 2015

From a friends post: “Ok, I just graded 11 presentations out of 20 that were due Wednesday. Yeah, 9 kids haven’t even turned theirs in yet. This is the same class that was horsing around DURING A TEST. I am ready to give up. Is it any wonder I am having flash migraines that cause me to nearly pass out and vomit in class? Any wonder at all???”

This is written by a friend, in her first year of teaching, limited by the rule, both spoken and unspoken, to not flunk students, even if they don’t try.   Nonsense I say.  But I can’t change her system.

The hardest thing for me in the early years of teaching was to honor my effort, accept the things that were not perfect, in fact, lousy, and crowd management.

The first few years will definitely challenge one’s faith in self, human nature, the school system and the world.  I had to tell myself regularly, that despite appearances, everything is exactly as it should be.  I borrowed this from Cognitive Behavior Therapy or some such thing.  Also, I can’t fix it all, and what I can fix, I can’t fix overnight.

The only thing I could fix was my attitude.  I told myself, despite my imperfections, I was the best person for the job.  I mentioned that in a previous post, and won’t belabor the issue.

It took me a long time, to worry less about content and care more about kids.  Initially they scared the bejezus out of me.  They were also clear proof to anyone looking in that I was totally incompetent, especially when it came to classroom management.  I was barely holding on.  I threatened.  Insulted. Yelled.  I humiliated them.  I’ve had to apologize to many a kids later on when I bumped into them for the way I treated them.

Until I came up with really clear expectations about their work, and how it was to be graded, I gave easy A’s.  Teaching 200 kids per year, I still do.  For really important stuff, I make it super clear and give the grades earned.  Kids need to learn there are consequences for their not following through. As my mother would say, that’s a tough (or sometimes expensive) way to learn a lesson.

But there are times when the assignment is very clear, in other words, CYA, and I let the kids earn the grade they deserve.  I have a poster on my classroom wall at one school that says “Don’t be upset by the results you didn’t get for the work you didn’t do”.

One of my earliest parent meetings was over the C grade their precious daughter earned in my class but a straight A student in all others.  The mom was loaded for bear.  The dad, a local attorney, was a little more rational.  I explained the best I could what the daughter had not done, and the mother pointed out my teaching and communication wasn’t perfect, and in the end I said. “Look at all these grades.  Can you explain to me why 95% of my students are doing the work, and yours isn’t, with the very same instruction and communication?”  The mom wanted to continue to argue, but the dad said “I now understand where the problem is.  Thank you Mr. Tidyman.” and he pulled his wife out of the room.

My teaching isn’t perfect.  My expectations may not always be clear so I cut them quite a bit of slack, but when most are getting it, and the few that aren’t clearly are not being responsible, and I can prove it, and parents are complaining, generally, do what my brother used to say; “Kill’em with kindness”.

When I started really caring for the kids, everything changed.  Oh sure, there were some behaviors I had to change but to the degree that I communication overtly or subtly that I cared about them, things got better.  In fact the kids would really overlook my frailties because they started to care and accept me as a flawed human being as well.

Back in the late ’90s, I hung a poster on the back of the wall in the classroom for ME to see that read “Kids don’t care how much you know, until they know how much you care” which is similar to “Kids won’t remember what they said but they will remember how you made them feel.”

So now, even when I have to stop behaviors in my classroom, I try to remember to do it kindly, without my previous method of threats, shame and humiliation.  That’s not to say that sometimes I don’t really get upset but most of the time, I’m trying to say something like “Kate, we’ve got work to do and I’ve asked you to stop a few times already.  I think the world of you but you just earned yourself a demerit and a trip to the principal’s office. Let’s do better tomorrow.”

Finally, get involved with other teachers teaching the same thing.  Join the professional organization for your area.  Go to their conference.  The first time I went, I was ready to quit teaching.  I looked around at 40+ teachers, ranging from bumps on a log to three piece suites and it dawned on me, these guys were just like me one day, and if they figured it out, I can figure it out.  And with their help and encouragement, I can figure it out a lot faster.

How to survive the early years?

1. Practice self-worth and self-appreciation and cut yourself some slack.
2. Accept your imperfections and do the best you can without detriment to yourself.
3. Make friends with others in the same profession and get support; logistical, practical, emotional, etc.
4. Care about the kids more than test scores. When they know you care, they will care.  If they think you don’t care, they not only won’t care but will find ways to make your life in the classroom miserable.
5. Have a life outside of teaching. Make new friends.  Join a club.  Get involved outside of school. Go to church.  Join a gym.  Because if the teacher ain’t happy, ain’t nobody gonna be happy.

From a conference in the late 90’s or early 2000s.

Retirement Postponed

Previously posted on Wordpress, but now consolidating.

Posted on December 24, 2015 by rstidyman

A few months ago I was absolutely giddy about the prospects of retirement.  And now, retirement is about the farthest thing from my mind.  What gives?

First of all, I’m not unhappy about my job.  It has, after 25 years finally turned into a daily adventure, where many of the kids just make my day, with their smiles, handshakes and sikes.  Others amaze me.  Some struggle so much, others are so gifted, and others are so sweet. There are some, but not many, who are hard to manage, are negative and give up easy in the face of challenges but it is my job to do my best to turn that around.  So why stay?

Due to my impusive nature and lack of information back in 1987, I withdrew the first six years of my retirement, convinced I would never teach again.  I was so miserable those years.  I blamed it on teaching.  In reality, I was unhappy with my life, my marriage, my lot in life, myself and I had no one else to blame, certainly not myself.  The only logical conclusion was teaching was the pits. That was something I could change.  I quit.

Eight years of working real jobs, e.g., construction, car sales, insurance sales, satelite dish sales, handyman work, and I was ready for a change.  An interest inventory and other surveys indicated the career that allowed me to share my interests and satisfy my values was…get ready…teaching industrial arts.  By the time I decided to go back into teaching, I picked up a couple of computer type classes at the local university, which proved invaluable.

But I digress.  As a result of withdrawing 6 years worth of retirement funds, I started over in the system in 1997, and with a year of sick leave thrown in, I will have 20 years in by the end of this year.  When you look at the numbers, the monthly pension at 20 years is a serious blow to the solar plexus and the wallet.  Social Security is severly reduced as well at age 62.

The end result is this.  I’d be taking about a $1500-2000 per month cut in my monthly income.  I’m not in the position to do without that income at the moment.  I’m afraid I’d have to make that up working anyway.  So why go look for a job making less money (by the hour) doing something I’m not that excited about, when I can do most of what I want right now and get paid reasonable wages and benefits.  I ask you, where else, can I teach kids the most valuable lessons I’ve learned in the last 61 years about life, technology and careers, and get paid to do it, and have my summer off, two weeks at christmas, and benefits as well?

One of the reasons I was excited about retirement was having more time to explore interests.  I finally came to the deduction that one never has enough time to learn all they want to learn, and it is a valuable life lesson to learn to prioritize.

As it turns out, I do have a lot of time on my hands to explore.  I enjoy gardening and learning more about it.  I hope to get a couple of pigs soon, and a bee hive or two.  And I learn a lot at school too.  The kids teach me things, the janitors teach me things, everyone has something to share, some insight, some technology, some wisdom. I learn something every day.

Sharing tidbits of wisdom with any that will listen is one of my favorite things to do with kids and the staff.  Here is an example of a “lesson” I taught with some 7th graders one day.  Based on a book I read called “Nonviolent Communication” I was explaing to the kids how to give a compliment.  It is a four step process. The formula for giving compliments as well as resolving conflict or sticky situation is only sharing four things.

1. My observation
2. My feeling
3. My needs and wants as they relate to this observation
4. Requests

Just then a fellow teacher name Steven walks in.  We often walk into each others rooms to share a word of encouragement or lighten up the atmosphere.  I asked him, “Steven, can I use you for an example?” He agreed.

I said “Steven, my observation is this.  I come into this school, and I’m only here part time and you always greet me with a big smile.  You genuinely seem happy to see me.  There are times when I walk into your room and you include me in the lesson.  The way that makes me feel is great.  You make me feel welcome, like I belong.  You often affirm for me that I’m doing s things with the kids that really matter.  You are like a cheer leader to me.  Thirdly, the reason this is important is that I travel to three different schools, two a day.  As a result, I don’t bond with the schools nor do I bond with very many teachers.  I’m in and out and on my way.  But you make me feel like I belong, which is a pretty big deal.  You make me feel like I’m doing a good job, which I don’t get very often. Finally, all I ask is that you continue to support me in my efforts.”

By the end, he had tears in his eyes, and I did too.  He came over to me, and gave me a hug.  He then explained to the kids, he had no idea that he was having that kind of affect on me.  He didn’t know it meant anything.  He was just being himself.  It was quite a moment for both of us, and one for the kids too.

I’m supposed to teach about careers and technology.  In reality, I see my purpose much bigger and broader.  My goal is to teach kids about life; how to be happy; how to be successful; the career stuff and technology are just the tools through which I try to explain the life lessons.

On this December 23rd, 2015, I wish everyone that reads this a joyful holiday, and a year that brings insight and gratitude for the challenges and opportunities that life has offered them.

A new Year, A New Me

Originally posted on Wordpress.

Posted on January 23, 2016 by rstidyman

In some ways, I think I’m discovering the secret to happiness.  It includes a variety of ideas and influences that all seem to blend into one overall manifesto of sorts.  It includes self worth, the Four Agreements, Growth Mindset (C. Dweck), Flourish (as explained by Seligman), mantras committed to memory from Alanon and groups related to Adult Children of Alcoholics, Brian Tracy’s principles and practices for success, and finally a faith/philosophy that makes sense to me and gives my life purpose.  

This year, and I believe as a result of the culmination of all those influences, I’m ready.  You can take your country back but I want my body back.  I hired a wonderful personal trainer named Bruce Pahl at Little’s Gym in West Jefferson.  He is full of information, that I can only absorb a bit at a time but I’m convinced he knows his stuff.  In addition to food, what to eat, what to combine, what to avoid, we are working on an exercise plan, again, little by little.  So I’m committed to changing how I eat and when and how much to exercise to reach my goal of a leaner, meaner body, that tips in under 200 lbs by my 62nd birthday.  That’s only about 15 lbs to loose in the next five and a half  months but I have to keep in mind I might gain weight in muscle as I lose fat.

At Tuesdays training, Bruce got a couple of pictures of me; front side and back.  Of course I had my baggy t-shirt on, so it was pretty hard to tell just what was underneath.  Danielle and I have been talking about taking a “before” picture and then my wise and all knowing brother (I’m serious, the guy knows stuff) said regular pictures is critical.  When Paul talks, I listen.  

So yesterday, home alone, Danielle at work, I set up the camera on a tripod.  Camera has a 10 second timer and took some pics. Wearing only my swimsuit, I clicked away.   Holy crap!!!  Do I really look like that?  Surely, pictures lie, right?  I look much better in the mirror.  To confirm the prismatic distortions, I emailed Danielle the pics with encouragement to be honest, I’m tough, I can take it.  Alas, she said, the pictures were accurate.  Well, heck fire, I am not taking it personally (The Four Agreements) and telling myself honest feedback is just data (Growth Mindset) I will accept the reality and use the data to be even more careful with my food intake and exercise.  
So, I challenge you.  Even though you look in the mirror probably daily at home, or maybe in the gym, let the camera document where you are.  Then congratulate yourself for the courage it took to do that, and assess where you are in life and the vehicle that moves you along.  If you like what you see, great.  If not, then maybe, that picture just might be the inspiration you need to take the bull by the horns and do something different.  

Integrating truth and experience

I am trying to make sense out of what I’ve read, listened to and experienced.  My childhood was full of doubt, loneliness and pessimism.  My life now at the age of 61 is full of love, meaningful work, good friends and a bright future.  How did that happen?  And how can I assist others to do the same?

Martin Seligman wrote a book called Flourish.  It is not all inclusive but I do believe his description of the components of a happy life is a start.  They are 1. Positive Emotions. 2. Engagement. 3. Relationships. 4. Meaning and purpose and 5. Achievement.  

Unfortunately, he doesn’t tell us how to get there, but many others have provided outlines and specific practices.  Those include Brene Brown,  Don Miguel Ruiz who wrote The Four Agreements.  Also, Marshall Rosenberg wrote “Non-Violent Communication”.  Carol Dweck gives us Mindset. Jim Rohn is another excellent speaker, similar to Zig Ziglar, Steven Covey gave us The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, Peme Chodrin and if you want to get a little more esoteric, there is Ekhart Tolle.  Brian Tracy does one of the best jobs of creating the principles of achievement and success into how to lists, such as setting goals, changing your thinking, etc.  

But today, I’m thinking about Seligman’s Positive Emotions.  In my mind, this includes having fun but I think it is more.  It includes but not limited to:

• peace of mind
• freedom of fear
• freedom of guilt
• loving others
• feeling loved
• sense of belonging
• confidence
• well-being
• feeling secure and safe

Peace of mind: It seems to me that peace of mind, and I’m thinking big picture here, comes only after a deep search for oneself as to what is real, how the world works, and what to expect when we no longer are here. There is benefit to organized religion, as it gives us some guidelines to conduct ourselves especially when young,  much like school rules and traffic laws.  And who doesn’t break the rules? Real peace of mind doesn’t come though until one explores, and creates a belief system that they can buy into, a system that answers the gnawing questions like what is the meaning of life, why are we here, in this world, in these circumstances. Why is there suffering, where do we go when we die.  

Some will find going against their upbringing too scary.  It is giving up one’s identity.  I suffered depression when I decided to give up traditional Christianity in my early 20’s, for the second time.  I gave up on Catholicism at age 14.  For those that don’t question, I wonder if there isn’t a lifelong feeling of uncertainty and regret for not searching deeper and making one’s own decision.  I do know that for me, rejecting what I was taught at St. Clement’s Elementary School and searching for my own answers was scary but freeing as well.  I read books by Edgar Casey, Elizabeth Montgomery, Elwood Babbitt, Jane Roberts. In my searches, that also included the Bible.  I continue to explore other religious and spiritual teachings regardless of their source.  

Sometimes we don’t have all the answers.  But the answers are there to find but they won’t come knocking on your door.  They will however, answer their door if you knock on enough doors, long enough and hard enough.

When I didn’t know what to believe, when I was unhappy and lonely, for some reason, I told myself, I may not know the answers yet, and I may be lonely now, but if other people have figured out how to live gratifying meaningful lives, filled with loved ones, accepting challenges with courage, and defeat with grace, then there must be hope.  If they can figure it out, then I can figure out how to do this too. I may feel worthless and unlovable but I can read and learn, and as I learned, I changed my thoughts and beliefs, and then my behaviors, and then my habits, and created a life.  Eading a little bit about Neurolinguistic Programming (NLP) helped with this too.

As for the positive emotions, where is what works for me.

• Freedom of fear: if it is situational, then the answer is clear.  Run like hell or stay and fight but respond.  If it is emotional, like irrational phobias, then change your beliefs about yourself and the world.  Thus the importance of a good overarching philosophy or faith..  
• Freedom of guilt: you you made a mistake, clean it up, make amends.  If you think you are a mistake, then change your beliefs. I’ve discovered even recently that making amends to a former client for a misdeed over 20 years was incredibly freeing.  
• Don’t feel like you belong. See next.
• Don’t love others: gotta love yourself first.  See next.
• Feeling unloved: then change your beliefs. Just because you think you are unlovable doesn’t make it so.  Fall in love with yourself, and others will too.  Love others, and they’ll love you too.What you project will come back to you like loaves and fish. This is scary stuff and takes a huge amount of courage and vulnerability (Brene Brown stuff).
• Confidence: You can fake it til you make it but it is pretty tough to do emotionally.  I tried it. For years.  Constantly battling the fear of failure and fear of rejection, playing mind games while my guts were churning. It gets easier once I started convincing myself of my own self worth, giving myself permission to be imperfect, and in fact, to fail and fail often. Ever notice how some people just laugh at themselves when they mess up?  Others are humiliated and ashamed.  It’s a lot easier being the one that laughs at themselves.  Anyone who is trying something new or challenging is going to have setbacks.  But failing?  Quitting and giving up is where failure lives and breathes.  There is much to be said about resilience which is a habit and can be learned.

I will say there are a couple of phrases that I learned in my 20’s that I’ve used as a mantra to get me through the tough spots, persevere and meet challenges.  I was involved in a peer type counselling group called Re-Evaluation Counselling. It is still around but I haven’t explored it lately.  It developed theories through the experience of thousands of people counselling and as they healed, they created the theories.  And here is the radical thought.  Feelings don’t matter.  Now before you jump to defense, to me that means, our feelings are so convoluted, and oftentimes a result of negative messages received and buried while we are young, when we were an open book, and some, abused.  Those core beliefs are not necessarily true, but the feelings they produce may seem very true.  So when it came to making decisions, sometimes scary ones, I would attempt to gather all the information, listen to a deep intuition maybe, but ignore that emotions of fear and excitement.  Feelings of “love at first sight” having nothing to do with love, but just a bunch of beliefs, true or not, that get us excited.  the fear, or phobias, like ones most of us have about public speaking, are irrational.  We find that with a little practice and encouragement from self and others, most find it quite enjoyable.  As a result, I would occasionally take on a challenge, that in fact, frightened me because it seemed like the rational thing to do.  Once in a situation, like teaching in my early years, when I felt so out of my league, I would have to remind myself “I may feel totally overwhelmed, ill prepared for the task at hand, and may fall on my face, I am, in fact, the best person for the job.  And in almost all those circumstances, where I was hired as an employee, I could affirm that at least whoever hired me thought I was the best person for the job.  And in most circumstances, once I got my sea legs, I was a good choice for that job.

  There are how-to books and videos how to make friends (see Dale Carnegie), set goals, and getting along with difficult people.  You can learn about etiquette and social norms that make you more appealing, and others more tolerable.  You can take a class on improving your speech, or getting rid of bad habits.

To take on those tasks, and any other challenges we face that give us positive emotions requires a core belief in ourselves.  Call it self esteem, call it self-worth, call it what you want.  The day that I began to convince myself that I was a good person, a worthwhile person, born on this earth for a reason, for a purpose, things started to get better.  I decided quietly to myself that I am “god’s gift to the world” and who am I to deprive people of my company.  I forced myself to step out, be outgoing, learn some new social skills, (like contra dancing), explore some hobbies, join groups, try public speaking to my professional peers, as well as Toastmasters, talk to people that I might not otherwise, continued to listen to tapes about spiritual and practical matters, take on a few challenges even though I might fail, express my thoughts and risk rejection and ridicule,  and you know what?  Rarely were my fears realized.  In fact, people see taking risk and being vulnerable as being courageous.  Life as a result  is a whole lot more interesting and gratifying.