A little Wisdom from all these years

Most of my friends are now my age or older.    After all these years of experience, don’t you want to share your wisdom with others?  Like your kids, or grandchildren?  Do they listen?

Yeah, mine didn’t either.

But I have hope…and a captive audience.  I’m a middle school teacher so I have about 200 kids I can give advice too…if I thought they would listen.

I get to see my students a couple of days a week for two or three years.  Some I relate to more than others, especially the ones that are shy.  I don’t just mean a little withdrawn.  I’m talking about the ones that are uncomfortable in their own skin. The ones that turn beet red when called on to answer a question.  The ones that get sick to their stomach on days they have to get up in front of the class to give a presentation.  At dances, if they go at all, they stand on the side of the room watching others have fun.    

Can you relate to those kids?  I can because I was one of those kids. 

In high school, I was so shy, I had few friends and spent way too much time alone. I was pretty miserable.  I didn’t even want to hang out with myself.  As a result, I struggled with depression, and at times even questioned if it was worth living. 

Shyness resides in a person that isn’t sure of himself.  He asks the question “Am I good enough, smart enough, good looking enough, funny enough…anything enough”.  If the answer is “I don’t know”, then fear and uncertainty set in.  What will others think of me?  Will others will see my weaknesses and reject me, tease me, harass me, abuse me or worst of all, ignore me. 

 Most people that know me now can’t believe I was a wall flower.  Unlike before, I now have friends, a solid connection with a community and work.  I feel appreciated, respected, liked by many and even loved by some.  Believe me, I like this a whole lot better.

 I guess if a student asks how to deal with it.  I’ll tell them what I did.

I noticed everybody else seemed to have friends and have fun.  I wanted what they had.  I decided if Life could be enjoyable for others, than it should be for me too.  I consulted many how-to books on the subject and discovered the source of my misery… my thoughts and beliefs.  It was time for a change.

I read that there is a reason for everything.  Instead of seeing my shyness as a curse, I decided to see it as a gift and a learning opportunity.     

I had to change myself concept.     Through affirmations and self talk, I started to tell myself “I am a good human being.”  Or “I’m a good friend.” Or “people like me”.   I tried to convince myself that maybe I had something worthwhile to share.

I also decided to quit relying on my feelings to make decisions. Feelings are not a reliable guide for making choices.  Instead, I tried to base my behavior on what was  rational or seemed to be what an outgoing person would do.  As a result, I learned to start conversations even though I was nervous.  I went to social events, often times alone, like contra dances or church, and found that eventually, I made friends there.  This feels pretty risky at times.  I found however that it got easier. 

Being friendly has gotten easier with time.  It’s like that old line “Success breeds success. “  Most conversations I initiate end up pleasant, some very entertaining, and a few, boring.  But rarely painful.  I have found that being willing to initiate a conversation results in sharing of new ideas, networking possibilities, and occasionally friendships take hold. 

  Most of the apprehension has disappeared for now.  I have had so many positive experiences that reinforce me for  being  assertive. 

I know better than to think I can give unsolicited advice to my students and expect them to listen.  But in the event, that one of them asks for help how to overcome shyness,  I’ll say something like:

·       Evaluate your outlook on  yourself, and the world.  Change it if need be.

·       Convince yourself you deserve to be happy.

·       Read a few books

·       B e bold

·       Take reasonable risks.   

·       Remind yourself that. 

·       Change and growth require risk and effort.

·       Persevere.  It won’t happen overnight but I can promise you this.  The world can be a pretty friendly place, full of opportunity, kindness, friends, and yes, even love when you learn to reach out.