I know just a little bit about obituaries. I don’t read them often but I’ve read my mom’s,
and my dad’s. I have a brother who is a
freelance writer and collects a crisp $100 bill for the obits he writes. Recently, a friend emailed me a link to a
former landlord’s obituary. Her obituary makes for interesting reading,
not because of what it said but what could be read between the lines.
It was beautifully written. Judy, (not her real name), had
lots and lots of money, and made donations to her favorite causes. She
donated many millions to her favorite college. She supported the arts in
the two cities she lived in.
She also made it a point to make sure that she was recognized
for her donations. She was listed first as the primary sponsor of this or
that. She had front row seats for all the concerts she
sponsored and was acknowledge both in print and verbally by the master of
ceremonies, and she proudly stood and waved. In other words, if Judy gave
money to a charity, it was big enough to warrant lots of attention. You
can find her name on several buildings at her favorite college. Anonymous
was not part of her generosity.
I found the quotes from her family interesting not for what they
said but for what they didn’t say. She was referred to as “tough as nails”,
and “someone you didn’t say no to”.
What was missing however was heartfelt love and joy for knowing
her. I didn’t read anything about how kind and sweet she was. And
for good reason.
She made her money as a result of her husband’s good investments
in ownership of dog track and gambling casinos. He died fairly young and
Judy never remarried. But she managed her inherited empire with an
iron fist.
I was a house sitter for Judy. For three years, I lived in
the small servant’s quarters and made sure the $3million home above me was safe
from fire and weather damages. Here is what I learned living there.
She was cheap. So cheap that she cheated her employees and the government
of social security payments and employment taxes.
How do I know? I became friends with her maid, Maxine who
worked for her for over 25 years when I had met her. She was on call
24/7, rarely ever got a raise, and was only making about $10/hour…cash and no
benefits.
I showed my friend Maxine
how little she would make from social security as a result of Judy’s
selfishness. Maxine was not alone either.
There were about nine others in the same situation.
Maxine soon insisted on payment in check and contributions to
social security. My only regret is that I did not report Judy to the
authorities for tax evasion and social security fraud. I was afraid she
would assume that Pauline spilled the beans and retaliate.
Even from downstairs, I could hear Judy screaming obscenities
towards her children on the phone. She belittled others who wouldn’t give
her exactly what she wanted.
One day, she introduced me to a group of her well heeled friends
as her “boy”. I told her later, next time, I would counter that she was
“my girl.” She also called me stupid once. I chided her and told her those two
universities obviously didn’t know what they were doing when handing me my
diplomas.
In a nutshell, she was one of the most miserable, mean spirited,
greedy old ladies I’ll ever know. I don’t think anyone felt any real love
for her. They just wanted her money or free tickets to the concerts.
I trust she had a good reason for being so hateful and
spoiled. Maybe it was a mental illness, or brain damage or a loveless childhood.
It’s a shame really.
How do you want your obituary to read? Mine surely won’t
have anything to do about giving large sums of money to the arts, or a college,
at least not at the rate I’m going.
There are more important than what is printed in the
paper.
For example, what people
will say in private, when no one can hear the conversation might really matter.
I hope that in whatever form my spirit takes, before leaving for some other
dimension, I can float around and listen to what people say about me.
I hope I hear people use phrases like:
· Kind, hard working, and
fun
· A good friend
· Generous with his time
· Wanted the best for
others,
· Made his students
laugh.
· Or even better, made them
think.”
I’ll stop there. If I tried to tell you what is deepest in
my heart about loved ones, it would be too emotional. But I bet that your
hopes for your verbal legacy are similar. So let’s try to live our lives
in such a way that your obituary is consistent with what people say about you
in private. After all, isn’t that what really matters?
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