A little Wisdom from all these years

Most of my friends are now my age or older.    After all these years of experience, don’t you want to share your wisdom with others?  Like your kids, or grandchildren?  Do they listen?

Yeah, mine didn’t either.

But I have hope…and a captive audience.  I’m a middle school teacher so I have about 200 kids I can give advice too…if I thought they would listen.

I get to see my students a couple of days a week for two or three years.  Some I relate to more than others, especially the ones that are shy.  I don’t just mean a little withdrawn.  I’m talking about the ones that are uncomfortable in their own skin. The ones that turn beet red when called on to answer a question.  The ones that get sick to their stomach on days they have to get up in front of the class to give a presentation.  At dances, if they go at all, they stand on the side of the room watching others have fun.    

Can you relate to those kids?  I can because I was one of those kids. 

In high school, I was so shy, I had few friends and spent way too much time alone. I was pretty miserable.  I didn’t even want to hang out with myself.  As a result, I struggled with depression, and at times even questioned if it was worth living. 

Shyness resides in a person that isn’t sure of himself.  He asks the question “Am I good enough, smart enough, good looking enough, funny enough…anything enough”.  If the answer is “I don’t know”, then fear and uncertainty set in.  What will others think of me?  Will others will see my weaknesses and reject me, tease me, harass me, abuse me or worst of all, ignore me. 

 Most people that know me now can’t believe I was a wall flower.  Unlike before, I now have friends, a solid connection with a community and work.  I feel appreciated, respected, liked by many and even loved by some.  Believe me, I like this a whole lot better.

 I guess if a student asks how to deal with it.  I’ll tell them what I did.

I noticed everybody else seemed to have friends and have fun.  I wanted what they had.  I decided if Life could be enjoyable for others, than it should be for me too.  I consulted many how-to books on the subject and discovered the source of my misery… my thoughts and beliefs.  It was time for a change.

I read that there is a reason for everything.  Instead of seeing my shyness as a curse, I decided to see it as a gift and a learning opportunity.     

I had to change myself concept.     Through affirmations and self talk, I started to tell myself “I am a good human being.”  Or “I’m a good friend.” Or “people like me”.   I tried to convince myself that maybe I had something worthwhile to share.

I also decided to quit relying on my feelings to make decisions. Feelings are not a reliable guide for making choices.  Instead, I tried to base my behavior on what was  rational or seemed to be what an outgoing person would do.  As a result, I learned to start conversations even though I was nervous.  I went to social events, often times alone, like contra dances or church, and found that eventually, I made friends there.  This feels pretty risky at times.  I found however that it got easier. 

Being friendly has gotten easier with time.  It’s like that old line “Success breeds success. “  Most conversations I initiate end up pleasant, some very entertaining, and a few, boring.  But rarely painful.  I have found that being willing to initiate a conversation results in sharing of new ideas, networking possibilities, and occasionally friendships take hold. 

  Most of the apprehension has disappeared for now.  I have had so many positive experiences that reinforce me for  being  assertive. 

I know better than to think I can give unsolicited advice to my students and expect them to listen.  But in the event, that one of them asks for help how to overcome shyness,  I’ll say something like:

·       Evaluate your outlook on  yourself, and the world.  Change it if need be.

·       Convince yourself you deserve to be happy.

·       Read a few books

·       B e bold

·       Take reasonable risks.   

·       Remind yourself that. 

·       Change and growth require risk and effort.

·       Persevere.  It won’t happen overnight but I can promise you this.  The world can be a pretty friendly place, full of opportunity, kindness, friends, and yes, even love when you learn to reach out.

Obits. Don’t Believe Everything You Read

I know just a little bit about obituaries.  I don’t read them often but I’ve read my mom’s, and my dad’s.  I have a brother who is a freelance writer and collects a crisp $100 bill for the obits he writes.  Recently, a friend emailed me a link to a former landlord’s obituary.  Her obituary makes for interesting reading, not because of what it said but what could be read between the lines.    

It was beautifully written. Judy, (not her real name),  had lots and lots of money, and made donations to her favorite causes.  She donated many millions to her favorite college.  She supported the arts in the two cities she lived in.

She also made it a point to make sure that she was recognized for her donations.  She was listed first as the primary sponsor of this or that.    She had front row seats for all the concerts she sponsored and was acknowledge both in print and verbally by the master of ceremonies, and she proudly stood and waved.  In other words, if Judy gave money to a charity, it was big enough to warrant lots of attention.  You can find her name on several buildings at her favorite college.  Anonymous was not part of her generosity. 

I found the quotes from her family interesting not for what they said but for what they didn’t say.  She was referred to as “tough as nails”, and “someone you didn’t say no to”. 

What was missing however was heartfelt love and joy for knowing her.  I didn’t read anything about how kind and sweet she was.  And for good reason. 

She made her money as a result of her husband’s good investments in ownership of dog track and gambling casinos.  He died fairly young and Judy never remarried.   But she managed her inherited empire with an iron fist. 

I was a house sitter for Judy.  For three years, I lived in the small servant’s quarters and made sure the $3million home above me was safe from fire and weather damages.  Here is what I learned living there.  She was cheap.  So cheap that she cheated her employees and the government of social security payments and employment taxes. 

How do I know?  I became friends with her maid, Maxine who worked for her for over 25 years when I had met her.  She was on call 24/7, rarely ever got a raise, and was only making about $10/hour…cash and no benefits. 

I  showed my friend Maxine how little she would make from social security as a result of Judy’s selfishness.  Maxine was not alone either.  There were about nine others in the same situation. 

Maxine soon insisted on payment in check and contributions to social security.  My only regret is that I did not report Judy to the authorities for tax evasion and social security fraud.  I was afraid she would assume that Pauline spilled the beans and retaliate.

Even from downstairs, I could hear Judy screaming obscenities towards her children on the phone.  She belittled others who wouldn’t give her exactly what she wanted. 

One day, she introduced me to a group of her well heeled friends as her “boy”.  I told her later, next time, I would counter that she was “my girl.”   She also called me stupid once.  I chided her and told her those two universities obviously didn’t know what they were doing when handing me my diplomas.

In a nutshell, she was one of the most miserable, mean spirited, greedy old ladies I’ll ever know.  I don’t think anyone felt any real love for her.  They just wanted her money or free tickets to the concerts.  

I trust she had a good reason for being so hateful and spoiled.  Maybe it was a mental illness, or brain damage or a loveless childhood. It’s a shame really.

How do you want your obituary to read?  Mine surely won’t have anything to do about giving large sums of money to the arts, or a college, at least not at the rate I’m going.

There are more important than what is printed in the paper. 

For example,  what people will say in private, when no one can hear the conversation might really matter.  I hope that in whatever form my spirit takes, before leaving for some other dimension, I can float around and listen to what people say about me. 

I hope I hear people use phrases like:

·       Kind, hard working, and fun

·       A good friend

·       Generous with his time

·       Wanted the best for others,

·       Made his students laugh. 

·       Or even better, made them think.”

I’ll stop there.  If I tried to tell you what is deepest in my heart about loved ones, it would be too emotional.  But I bet that your hopes for your verbal legacy are similar.  So let’s try to live our lives in such a way that your obituary is consistent with what people say about you in private.  After all, isn’t that what really matters?