I’ve been thinking a lot lately about contradictions. Here’s one.
We want our kids to be successful. So towards that end, we tell our kids to work hard and get good grades. Higher grades will be rewarded, we say. That may or may not be true, but it sounds good when trying to motivate our children. At the high school level, prestige and potential scholarships await those with high GPAs.
Let’s step back, though. We want our kids to be successful and excel in school and in life. But let’s not forget that our examples will be the most powerful teachers, and they are watching us ever so closely. They observe and record all the little hypocrisies in our lives, all the "white lies" we tell. In addition, we even enlist them to lie for us and maybe to steal. Phone rings: “Tell him I’m in the shower and can’t talk right now.” Or: The cashier accidentally gives you too much change. Whatever your next move, the child at your side is observing you closely.
Frankly, we are pretty good at rationalizing to our children why we don’t really have to play the rules. We don’t drive the speed limit because no one else does. We see non-handicapped people parking in handicapped spaces. If they do it, why can’t I? And while it may seem minor at the time, we sometimes lie, cheat, or steal and tell our children it doesn’t matter because no one got hurt (other than a mega-multi-billion dollar company and they won’t miss it, and, besides, they deserved it.).
So welcome to the modern day conundrum[KT1] of encouraging our children to succeed in school even as they witness the positive benefits of lying, cheating, and stealing. Considering what kids see at home, and in newspapers, trash magazines, television sitcoms, and movies, it comes as no surprise that many kids have no moral problems with cheating in school.
At our schools today, students probably cheat at all levels, from those struggling at the bottom to those competing for top honors. And what are the excuses given? “No one is getting hurt.” “Everyone else is doing it.” “I have to get a good grade if I’m going to get into college.” “If I don’t pass (or get a B, my parents will ground me.”
Who does cheating hurt? The fact is people get hurt. Whether or not the cheater gets caught, developing a habit of getting something dishonestly can affect the cheater’s future behavior. It may become so natural that the cheater doesn’t know how to “achieve” differently.
How do we instill integrity into our kids? Growing up, the Ten Commandments and the threat of Purgatory and Hell made a big impression. But what happens when faith in a higher power holds no power?
I wish I had been instructed in the fundamentals of true happiness and psychological well being, instead. I wasn’t told that by cheating or stealing, I was depriving myself of the most basic foundation of personal satisfaction; that my sense of personal self esteem depends on striving to become my idea of my ideal self: The real “I” is trustworthy, capable, respectable, loved for who I really am—or as Pinocchio says, “a real boy.” By cheating, I am robbing myself of that pillar of emotional well being and peace of mind.
How do you define peace of mind? Brian Tracy calls it freedom from fear, guilt, and anger. People who lie, steal, or cheat fear getting caught, but even if they don’t, guilt alone can gnaw away at one’s sense of happiness. We hurt ourselves in ways we may not realize. Our acceptance of these behaviors in ourselves warps our perception of others, either assuming others are like us, and not to be trusted, or just easy marks. Either way, it does not make for healthy relationships. In fact, it seems to me as a middle school teacher that cliques are formed by students comfortable at different levels of integrity. Cheaters must hang with cheaters. Kids with integrity hang with other kids with integrity. Thugs hang with thugs. In each group, “like” is more comfortable with “like,” as members think, “I’m okay because I’m like these people, I like them, and I like what we do.”
Maybe we need to spend less time telling our kids to get good grades and more time instilling in them an understanding of personal satisfaction based on honesty and treating others fairly. Maybe we should spend more time saying work hard, work smart, and maybe you will win the prize, but win it honestly. Someday, when they are successful, we can all sleep well and look at ourselves in the mirror without fear or guilt. And if liars and thieves should win the prize, as they sometimes do, we, and our children, can still hold our heads high and be proud of the honest effort. What greater success is there?
[KT1]Richard, I took out perfect storm for two reasons: 1) it’s overused; 2) it involves 3, not 2, elements joining forces.
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