A new Year, A New Me

Originally posted on Wordpress.

Posted on January 23, 2016 by rstidyman

In some ways, I think I’m discovering the secret to happiness.  It includes a variety of ideas and influences that all seem to blend into one overall manifesto of sorts.  It includes self worth, the Four Agreements, Growth Mindset (C. Dweck), Flourish (as explained by Seligman), mantras committed to memory from Alanon and groups related to Adult Children of Alcoholics, Brian Tracy’s principles and practices for success, and finally a faith/philosophy that makes sense to me and gives my life purpose.  

This year, and I believe as a result of the culmination of all those influences, I’m ready.  You can take your country back but I want my body back.  I hired a wonderful personal trainer named Bruce Pahl at Little’s Gym in West Jefferson.  He is full of information, that I can only absorb a bit at a time but I’m convinced he knows his stuff.  In addition to food, what to eat, what to combine, what to avoid, we are working on an exercise plan, again, little by little.  So I’m committed to changing how I eat and when and how much to exercise to reach my goal of a leaner, meaner body, that tips in under 200 lbs by my 62nd birthday.  That’s only about 15 lbs to loose in the next five and a half  months but I have to keep in mind I might gain weight in muscle as I lose fat.

At Tuesdays training, Bruce got a couple of pictures of me; front side and back.  Of course I had my baggy t-shirt on, so it was pretty hard to tell just what was underneath.  Danielle and I have been talking about taking a “before” picture and then my wise and all knowing brother (I’m serious, the guy knows stuff) said regular pictures is critical.  When Paul talks, I listen.  

So yesterday, home alone, Danielle at work, I set up the camera on a tripod.  Camera has a 10 second timer and took some pics. Wearing only my swimsuit, I clicked away.   Holy crap!!!  Do I really look like that?  Surely, pictures lie, right?  I look much better in the mirror.  To confirm the prismatic distortions, I emailed Danielle the pics with encouragement to be honest, I’m tough, I can take it.  Alas, she said, the pictures were accurate.  Well, heck fire, I am not taking it personally (The Four Agreements) and telling myself honest feedback is just data (Growth Mindset) I will accept the reality and use the data to be even more careful with my food intake and exercise.  
So, I challenge you.  Even though you look in the mirror probably daily at home, or maybe in the gym, let the camera document where you are.  Then congratulate yourself for the courage it took to do that, and assess where you are in life and the vehicle that moves you along.  If you like what you see, great.  If not, then maybe, that picture just might be the inspiration you need to take the bull by the horns and do something different.  

Integrating truth and experience

I am trying to make sense out of what I’ve read, listened to and experienced.  My childhood was full of doubt, loneliness and pessimism.  My life now at the age of 61 is full of love, meaningful work, good friends and a bright future.  How did that happen?  And how can I assist others to do the same?

Martin Seligman wrote a book called Flourish.  It is not all inclusive but I do believe his description of the components of a happy life is a start.  They are 1. Positive Emotions. 2. Engagement. 3. Relationships. 4. Meaning and purpose and 5. Achievement.  

Unfortunately, he doesn’t tell us how to get there, but many others have provided outlines and specific practices.  Those include Brene Brown,  Don Miguel Ruiz who wrote The Four Agreements.  Also, Marshall Rosenberg wrote “Non-Violent Communication”.  Carol Dweck gives us Mindset. Jim Rohn is another excellent speaker, similar to Zig Ziglar, Steven Covey gave us The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, Peme Chodrin and if you want to get a little more esoteric, there is Ekhart Tolle.  Brian Tracy does one of the best jobs of creating the principles of achievement and success into how to lists, such as setting goals, changing your thinking, etc.  

But today, I’m thinking about Seligman’s Positive Emotions.  In my mind, this includes having fun but I think it is more.  It includes but not limited to:

• peace of mind
• freedom of fear
• freedom of guilt
• loving others
• feeling loved
• sense of belonging
• confidence
• well-being
• feeling secure and safe

Peace of mind: It seems to me that peace of mind, and I’m thinking big picture here, comes only after a deep search for oneself as to what is real, how the world works, and what to expect when we no longer are here. There is benefit to organized religion, as it gives us some guidelines to conduct ourselves especially when young,  much like school rules and traffic laws.  And who doesn’t break the rules? Real peace of mind doesn’t come though until one explores, and creates a belief system that they can buy into, a system that answers the gnawing questions like what is the meaning of life, why are we here, in this world, in these circumstances. Why is there suffering, where do we go when we die.  

Some will find going against their upbringing too scary.  It is giving up one’s identity.  I suffered depression when I decided to give up traditional Christianity in my early 20’s, for the second time.  I gave up on Catholicism at age 14.  For those that don’t question, I wonder if there isn’t a lifelong feeling of uncertainty and regret for not searching deeper and making one’s own decision.  I do know that for me, rejecting what I was taught at St. Clement’s Elementary School and searching for my own answers was scary but freeing as well.  I read books by Edgar Casey, Elizabeth Montgomery, Elwood Babbitt, Jane Roberts. In my searches, that also included the Bible.  I continue to explore other religious and spiritual teachings regardless of their source.  

Sometimes we don’t have all the answers.  But the answers are there to find but they won’t come knocking on your door.  They will however, answer their door if you knock on enough doors, long enough and hard enough.

When I didn’t know what to believe, when I was unhappy and lonely, for some reason, I told myself, I may not know the answers yet, and I may be lonely now, but if other people have figured out how to live gratifying meaningful lives, filled with loved ones, accepting challenges with courage, and defeat with grace, then there must be hope.  If they can figure it out, then I can figure out how to do this too. I may feel worthless and unlovable but I can read and learn, and as I learned, I changed my thoughts and beliefs, and then my behaviors, and then my habits, and created a life.  Eading a little bit about Neurolinguistic Programming (NLP) helped with this too.

As for the positive emotions, where is what works for me.

• Freedom of fear: if it is situational, then the answer is clear.  Run like hell or stay and fight but respond.  If it is emotional, like irrational phobias, then change your beliefs about yourself and the world.  Thus the importance of a good overarching philosophy or faith..  
• Freedom of guilt: you you made a mistake, clean it up, make amends.  If you think you are a mistake, then change your beliefs. I’ve discovered even recently that making amends to a former client for a misdeed over 20 years was incredibly freeing.  
• Don’t feel like you belong. See next.
• Don’t love others: gotta love yourself first.  See next.
• Feeling unloved: then change your beliefs. Just because you think you are unlovable doesn’t make it so.  Fall in love with yourself, and others will too.  Love others, and they’ll love you too.What you project will come back to you like loaves and fish. This is scary stuff and takes a huge amount of courage and vulnerability (Brene Brown stuff).
• Confidence: You can fake it til you make it but it is pretty tough to do emotionally.  I tried it. For years.  Constantly battling the fear of failure and fear of rejection, playing mind games while my guts were churning. It gets easier once I started convincing myself of my own self worth, giving myself permission to be imperfect, and in fact, to fail and fail often. Ever notice how some people just laugh at themselves when they mess up?  Others are humiliated and ashamed.  It’s a lot easier being the one that laughs at themselves.  Anyone who is trying something new or challenging is going to have setbacks.  But failing?  Quitting and giving up is where failure lives and breathes.  There is much to be said about resilience which is a habit and can be learned.

I will say there are a couple of phrases that I learned in my 20’s that I’ve used as a mantra to get me through the tough spots, persevere and meet challenges.  I was involved in a peer type counselling group called Re-Evaluation Counselling. It is still around but I haven’t explored it lately.  It developed theories through the experience of thousands of people counselling and as they healed, they created the theories.  And here is the radical thought.  Feelings don’t matter.  Now before you jump to defense, to me that means, our feelings are so convoluted, and oftentimes a result of negative messages received and buried while we are young, when we were an open book, and some, abused.  Those core beliefs are not necessarily true, but the feelings they produce may seem very true.  So when it came to making decisions, sometimes scary ones, I would attempt to gather all the information, listen to a deep intuition maybe, but ignore that emotions of fear and excitement.  Feelings of “love at first sight” having nothing to do with love, but just a bunch of beliefs, true or not, that get us excited.  the fear, or phobias, like ones most of us have about public speaking, are irrational.  We find that with a little practice and encouragement from self and others, most find it quite enjoyable.  As a result, I would occasionally take on a challenge, that in fact, frightened me because it seemed like the rational thing to do.  Once in a situation, like teaching in my early years, when I felt so out of my league, I would have to remind myself “I may feel totally overwhelmed, ill prepared for the task at hand, and may fall on my face, I am, in fact, the best person for the job.  And in almost all those circumstances, where I was hired as an employee, I could affirm that at least whoever hired me thought I was the best person for the job.  And in most circumstances, once I got my sea legs, I was a good choice for that job.

  There are how-to books and videos how to make friends (see Dale Carnegie), set goals, and getting along with difficult people.  You can learn about etiquette and social norms that make you more appealing, and others more tolerable.  You can take a class on improving your speech, or getting rid of bad habits.

To take on those tasks, and any other challenges we face that give us positive emotions requires a core belief in ourselves.  Call it self esteem, call it self-worth, call it what you want.  The day that I began to convince myself that I was a good person, a worthwhile person, born on this earth for a reason, for a purpose, things started to get better.  I decided quietly to myself that I am “god’s gift to the world” and who am I to deprive people of my company.  I forced myself to step out, be outgoing, learn some new social skills, (like contra dancing), explore some hobbies, join groups, try public speaking to my professional peers, as well as Toastmasters, talk to people that I might not otherwise, continued to listen to tapes about spiritual and practical matters, take on a few challenges even though I might fail, express my thoughts and risk rejection and ridicule,  and you know what?  Rarely were my fears realized.  In fact, people see taking risk and being vulnerable as being courageous.  Life as a result  is a whole lot more interesting and gratifying.

A Fable for the Next Seventeen Years

In times of old, a man who had spent his life as a store clerk ran upon hard times and was compelled to leave his chosen field and provide for himself and his family as a farmer.  He had to work the land with oxen, secured within a shared yoke.  One of the oxen had many years of experience at the plow, and worked hard, even in his advancing years.  He did his best to help the master, knowing that he would be loved and cared for by him.  

There was much work to be done, so the master matched the older ox with a younger, much stronger ox, but one with little experience. The younger ox enjoyed the attention of the master but did not understand the principal of cooperation.  He seemed willing to do the work but was not accustomed to sharing a yoke with another ox, in particular, one that was old, had a different view of things, and who has lost some of his youthful vigor. And the older ox had never before worked with an ox so inexperienced and aggressive.

As they started to work, each had their own ideas of what was best. Both were convinced the other was wrong at times. The younger ox, out of frustration would pull too fast, or jerk sideways, causing pain to their shoulders and necks. The older ox would at times have to jerk and pull with all his might, and strain to keep the younger one from doing harm to the plow, the master and even himself. The elder wished the younger would disappear.  The job would be done more easily alone.  The younger ox wished the same, but they both loved the master, and he loved them both.

Each ox, headstrong and convinced of his own truth, was not inclined to give control over to the other.  Moments of cooperation and consideration were fleeting.  Mostly, one tugged against the other and, in worst cases, even kicked one another. The master had to have noticed their conflict but, being new to farming himself, assumed it was the price he had to pay.  In their hearts, the oxen knew they could do better, in service to their master, but their pride kept them at odds.

The elder faced the same dilemma with the dawn of each day. He was convinced the younger ox was unwilling to cooperate, but only wanted to do things his way and only wanted complete control. The elder felt responsible for protecting the master from the younger ox’s mistaken ways.

The master, in whose service the oxen toil, is my grandson Sean. Obviously, I am the old ox. Thy young ox is Sean’s father and is used to getting his way through force or intimidation if need be. We, along with Hannah share a common yoke to do what is best for Sean.  

I am between a rock and a hard place. Realistically, I acknowledge that I have no real authority or control over others. I am not the parent. I am not my brother’s keeper. I am instructed to love my neighbor as myself. I must find a way to protect my loved ones from harm.  In my mind,  ask why me? What lessons am I to learn, and even being prepared for?  I’m not one who easily gives up control to a higher power, unless I have no other choice. I encourage myself and my daughter, we will get through this, it will all be for the best, there are lessons to be learned, and justice will prevail, if not in this world, then the next.  Please let there be Karma.

What would Jesus do? What would Gandhi do? What would Martin Luther King do? What would you do?  What have you done when tethered to someone longer than you felt you could bear?

My sister provides this advice.  Repeat as often as possible “Bless him, heal me.” Until I get something more concrete, it will have to suffice. 

A little Wisdom from all these years

Most of my friends are now my age or older.    After all these years of experience, don’t you want to share your wisdom with others?  Like your kids, or grandchildren?  Do they listen?

Yeah, mine didn’t either.

But I have hope…and a captive audience.  I’m a middle school teacher so I have about 200 kids I can give advice too…if I thought they would listen.

I get to see my students a couple of days a week for two or three years.  Some I relate to more than others, especially the ones that are shy.  I don’t just mean a little withdrawn.  I’m talking about the ones that are uncomfortable in their own skin. The ones that turn beet red when called on to answer a question.  The ones that get sick to their stomach on days they have to get up in front of the class to give a presentation.  At dances, if they go at all, they stand on the side of the room watching others have fun.    

Can you relate to those kids?  I can because I was one of those kids. 

In high school, I was so shy, I had few friends and spent way too much time alone. I was pretty miserable.  I didn’t even want to hang out with myself.  As a result, I struggled with depression, and at times even questioned if it was worth living. 

Shyness resides in a person that isn’t sure of himself.  He asks the question “Am I good enough, smart enough, good looking enough, funny enough…anything enough”.  If the answer is “I don’t know”, then fear and uncertainty set in.  What will others think of me?  Will others will see my weaknesses and reject me, tease me, harass me, abuse me or worst of all, ignore me. 

 Most people that know me now can’t believe I was a wall flower.  Unlike before, I now have friends, a solid connection with a community and work.  I feel appreciated, respected, liked by many and even loved by some.  Believe me, I like this a whole lot better.

 I guess if a student asks how to deal with it.  I’ll tell them what I did.

I noticed everybody else seemed to have friends and have fun.  I wanted what they had.  I decided if Life could be enjoyable for others, than it should be for me too.  I consulted many how-to books on the subject and discovered the source of my misery… my thoughts and beliefs.  It was time for a change.

I read that there is a reason for everything.  Instead of seeing my shyness as a curse, I decided to see it as a gift and a learning opportunity.     

I had to change myself concept.     Through affirmations and self talk, I started to tell myself “I am a good human being.”  Or “I’m a good friend.” Or “people like me”.   I tried to convince myself that maybe I had something worthwhile to share.

I also decided to quit relying on my feelings to make decisions. Feelings are not a reliable guide for making choices.  Instead, I tried to base my behavior on what was  rational or seemed to be what an outgoing person would do.  As a result, I learned to start conversations even though I was nervous.  I went to social events, often times alone, like contra dances or church, and found that eventually, I made friends there.  This feels pretty risky at times.  I found however that it got easier. 

Being friendly has gotten easier with time.  It’s like that old line “Success breeds success. “  Most conversations I initiate end up pleasant, some very entertaining, and a few, boring.  But rarely painful.  I have found that being willing to initiate a conversation results in sharing of new ideas, networking possibilities, and occasionally friendships take hold. 

  Most of the apprehension has disappeared for now.  I have had so many positive experiences that reinforce me for  being  assertive. 

I know better than to think I can give unsolicited advice to my students and expect them to listen.  But in the event, that one of them asks for help how to overcome shyness,  I’ll say something like:

·       Evaluate your outlook on  yourself, and the world.  Change it if need be.

·       Convince yourself you deserve to be happy.

·       Read a few books

·       B e bold

·       Take reasonable risks.   

·       Remind yourself that. 

·       Change and growth require risk and effort.

·       Persevere.  It won’t happen overnight but I can promise you this.  The world can be a pretty friendly place, full of opportunity, kindness, friends, and yes, even love when you learn to reach out.

Obits. Don’t Believe Everything You Read

I know just a little bit about obituaries.  I don’t read them often but I’ve read my mom’s, and my dad’s.  I have a brother who is a freelance writer and collects a crisp $100 bill for the obits he writes.  Recently, a friend emailed me a link to a former landlord’s obituary.  Her obituary makes for interesting reading, not because of what it said but what could be read between the lines.    

It was beautifully written. Judy, (not her real name),  had lots and lots of money, and made donations to her favorite causes.  She donated many millions to her favorite college.  She supported the arts in the two cities she lived in.

She also made it a point to make sure that she was recognized for her donations.  She was listed first as the primary sponsor of this or that.    She had front row seats for all the concerts she sponsored and was acknowledge both in print and verbally by the master of ceremonies, and she proudly stood and waved.  In other words, if Judy gave money to a charity, it was big enough to warrant lots of attention.  You can find her name on several buildings at her favorite college.  Anonymous was not part of her generosity. 

I found the quotes from her family interesting not for what they said but for what they didn’t say.  She was referred to as “tough as nails”, and “someone you didn’t say no to”. 

What was missing however was heartfelt love and joy for knowing her.  I didn’t read anything about how kind and sweet she was.  And for good reason. 

She made her money as a result of her husband’s good investments in ownership of dog track and gambling casinos.  He died fairly young and Judy never remarried.   But she managed her inherited empire with an iron fist. 

I was a house sitter for Judy.  For three years, I lived in the small servant’s quarters and made sure the $3million home above me was safe from fire and weather damages.  Here is what I learned living there.  She was cheap.  So cheap that she cheated her employees and the government of social security payments and employment taxes. 

How do I know?  I became friends with her maid, Maxine who worked for her for over 25 years when I had met her.  She was on call 24/7, rarely ever got a raise, and was only making about $10/hour…cash and no benefits. 

I  showed my friend Maxine how little she would make from social security as a result of Judy’s selfishness.  Maxine was not alone either.  There were about nine others in the same situation. 

Maxine soon insisted on payment in check and contributions to social security.  My only regret is that I did not report Judy to the authorities for tax evasion and social security fraud.  I was afraid she would assume that Pauline spilled the beans and retaliate.

Even from downstairs, I could hear Judy screaming obscenities towards her children on the phone.  She belittled others who wouldn’t give her exactly what she wanted. 

One day, she introduced me to a group of her well heeled friends as her “boy”.  I told her later, next time, I would counter that she was “my girl.”   She also called me stupid once.  I chided her and told her those two universities obviously didn’t know what they were doing when handing me my diplomas.

In a nutshell, she was one of the most miserable, mean spirited, greedy old ladies I’ll ever know.  I don’t think anyone felt any real love for her.  They just wanted her money or free tickets to the concerts.  

I trust she had a good reason for being so hateful and spoiled.  Maybe it was a mental illness, or brain damage or a loveless childhood. It’s a shame really.

How do you want your obituary to read?  Mine surely won’t have anything to do about giving large sums of money to the arts, or a college, at least not at the rate I’m going.

There are more important than what is printed in the paper. 

For example,  what people will say in private, when no one can hear the conversation might really matter.  I hope that in whatever form my spirit takes, before leaving for some other dimension, I can float around and listen to what people say about me. 

I hope I hear people use phrases like:

·       Kind, hard working, and fun

·       A good friend

·       Generous with his time

·       Wanted the best for others,

·       Made his students laugh. 

·       Or even better, made them think.”

I’ll stop there.  If I tried to tell you what is deepest in my heart about loved ones, it would be too emotional.  But I bet that your hopes for your verbal legacy are similar.  So let’s try to live our lives in such a way that your obituary is consistent with what people say about you in private.  After all, isn’t that what really matters?

Poor Planning or a Sadistic Plot

I’d like to commend all of you today.  Why?  Driving in Boone is not for the faint of heart.  Recent construction has slowed you down as old bridges were modified, lanes closed due to the reapplication of asphalt.  Those inconveniences however were minor compared to the current attempt by the DOT to confuse and bewilder drivers. 

  

Your first but minor challenge is foisted upon you as you enter Boone from 421 traveling west.  You pass Food Lion at the intersection of the old and new 421. 

Mac Brown Chevrolet is on the right, hidden almost due to the road construction and Nissan to the left.  The speed limit is reduced from 55 to 45.  Then, you come to the light at Bamboo.  If you are going straight, you have two lights indicating to go on green or stop on red.  In the far left lane, you have a light, which changes from a no left turn arrow, to a green left turn arrow, and for most of the time, you get an amber turn left arrow but with caution. 

The only confusing part of this intersection is for those turning left.  Traffic coming from the west travelling east has the benefit of two lights indicating stop and go, however, there is a right turn lane, with no light.  Only a yield sign. 

When west bound traffic has a caution signal, and east bound has a yield, then there is something of a reverse game of chicken, each waiting for the other to go, with cars lurching forward, looking like a couple of boxers faking a move to confuse the other.

I will give the DOT credit for one thing.  Traveling west, they make it easy for drivers by putting one light for each of the three lanes; two lights that signal when to go forward into the two lanes and one light signaling a left turn onto Bamboo. 

The challenge has been minor so far.  It gets more interesting and challenging as you proceed west to Boone.  You are approaching the intersection at 105.  The median strip extends from the Toyota dealership all the way to 105.  That means, all the traffic from Toyota, the  laundry mat, Farthing Street, pawn shop, car wash and more must turn right, and hustle over to the far left of four lanes to make a U-turn to head back east.  Waiting for your left turn arrow so you can make a u-turn, you notice a confusing sign hanging next to the left turn only light.  It reads “U-turn yields to right turn.”  This means that if a vehicle is turning right from 105, the u-turner must give them the right of way, despite having a green arrow to turn left. 

What most don’t know is  the u-turner AND those turning right from 105 both have a green arrow AT THE SAME TIME.  Yikes!

Let’s continue driving west on King Street.  The new median strip extends from 105 down to 321 where the Dan’l Boone Inn provides southern style cooking “family style”. 

Here we find the most sadistic of intersections including the suicidal left turn combined with poor signage and disappearing lanes.

To make a u-turn, you still have the problem where U-turners and right turners from 321 converge upon each other.  But there is more.  Heading west, there are four lights.  There are two left turn only lights for two turning lanes.  there are two lights that seem to indicate two lanes going straight. But only one lane goes straight.  I’ve seen some might fancy lane changes at that intersection as the person in the middle lane is expecting to go straight but discovers there is nowhere to go. 

All this confusion could be easily circumvented with some well placed signs.  There are arrows painted on the black top, indicating the left two lanes must turn left, and the right lane goes straight.  This  doesn’t do a whole lot of good when traffic is bumper to bumper and you can’t even see the road.  All it would take is a couple of those road direction signs on the side of the road, about 7 feet up.  Three signs.  Two left turn arrows and one with an arrow point straight ahead.  I bet they could install it for less than the cost of a replacement fender or bumper on an old Chevy truck.   If they really want to do it up right, they could put two left turn lights and one light for going straight. 

Boone is not an easy place to drive. 

I suggest we quit blaming our driving frustrations on the tourists, or college kids and start placing the responsibility right where it belongs…on the DOT.  I would have personally gone to their office and complained but I can’t seem to find a good road with signs that will get me there.